I’ve been feeling very lonely lately. This is very hard for me to write, hard for me to be vulnerable.
I love my husband with all of my heart. He is my very best friend and maybe I need to accept that that is enough. I don’t know.
As an adult, I have always been someone who had a lot of friends around, not a lot of useless friends but a lot of meaningful friends.
In the last…probably I guess you would have to say seven years I have lost my very best friend and it still hurts me today to say that. She wasn’t there during my entire wedding. I mean she was there physically which shocked me, but she wasn’t there like we had always planned.
I always imagined that she would be planning my bridal shower, planning my baby shower, standing right beside me at the altar and that wasn’t the case. What made it worse is that every time I did talk to her or I did see her she promised and promised and cried and talked about how meaningful our friendship was and that she would do better. But it never changed.
And within the last year I have lost another best friend. I know they have things going on in their life but it’s hard not to think that something is wrong with me or that I did something wrong. I mean who loses two best friends right in a row without doing something wrong or being a horrible person?
But ya know those are my core beliefs about myself so it may all be in my head. But also I don’t want to ignore the fact that I am a difficult friend so it may be the case. I am that friend you read articles about who is your worst critic. Who is brutally honest. Who will tell you how it is and I don’t sugar coat it. So do my friends want to reach out to me when they’re down and out and need support? I wouldn’t think so.
I see articles all of the time and memes that reflect on friendships that have fallen off because of being “busy” and “life happens” that they shouldn’t be judged and they should not be considered “flakey.” But at some point you have to let go. I don’t think that’s the case here. I mean who is busy for a year? No one is too busy for a call or a text.
Steven is always there for me, always to talk and always to laugh with me but it’s just not the same. I miss them and it has been hard to accept that they are just not in my life anymore.