I have been feeling pretty good for a few weeks. I can’t say that anything has changed though. I am still overweight…obese by medical standards…still eating unhealthily quite regularly, still not working out regularly. I have not been using my happy light much as there has been enough light coming in the window of my cubicle. Despite the dumpsters and razor wire, I try to be thankful I have a window at all.
I often wonder regularly, what it is that is different in me than others. Why can they do what I cannot? I try every morning by setting an alarm early to get up around 5 am or even 4 when I am feeling even more eager. I typically…basically every day, change the alarm time to sleep in and do not get up.
I know that I will be so proud of myself if I get up early, start the day with a work out and a shower and relieve my mind of ever thinking about it again for at least 24 hours, well maybe about 12 hours. At least until I have to go to bed and decide again what time I am going to attempt to wake up in the morning. That is the best feeling….not having to think about working out. It rules my every move. It decides what I wear. It decides what I do with my hair. It decides my shower. It decides my food intake.
Wow….why do I give this exercise shit so much power? It is powerful, it changes everything. And yet after it makes all of these decisions for me…..I don’t do it!
I literally put on as much work out clothes to go to work as I can get away with in an effort to make the transition to work out clothes as smooth and easy as possible…because then it will be more likely that I will work out, right? Also, I am sure as shit not going to wash my hair if I am going to get sweaty throughout the day, right?
I look at these clients of mine and they seem so defeated at times and yet so capable of things I cannot accomplish. Every time I think of not getting up at 4 am I remind myself of people I know that get up that early to do the things they have to do or the things that are important to them.
When I look at them overall I feel like I have my shit more together than they do…but do I really if I cannot even conjure myself out of bed an hour early to make the entire rest of my day magical? Because yes, it is a magical unicorn feeling of not having to ponder whether I am going to workout or not workout…to schedule my hair washing and my makeup application, and my outfit choices around the concept of working out. To not have to go back and forth in my head all day about my schedule and how I will or will not fit it in to then inevitably deny my buns the steel they deserve…well actually my buns somehow are actually made of steel, but I would like to have abs of steel and maybe some less Oprah-ish arms.
I wrote this last week or so…and here I am reflecting on these thoughts…on myself. I searched through my Facebook posts this morning trying to find my “Public Service Announcement” when I was freaking out because I weighed 196 for the first time in my life. Today….5 months later…what I would not give to be 196. I feel like I keep growing and growing. I don’t even recognize myself when I see my reflection. My face has lost all definition.
I am secretly hoping I am pregnant because that would explain things. But in reality it is my continual decisions that are being reflected in my waistline. Yesterday….I ate 2 eggs, cheese, and a turkey sausage in a 90 calorie wrap, an apple, and a piece of pumpkin bread with too much butter for breakfast, celery and peanut butter and a small salad for lunch, and a sugar cookie, and 2 pieces of vday candy, for dinner a chili cheese dog on bun, a handful of chips, a few saltine crackers, 3 Swedish fish, and a piece of blueberry pie with ice cream for dessert. Dessert should not even be in my vocabulary right now.
I just keep asking myself…when am I going to stop this?
On the bright side, I worked out yesterday morning and burned 400 calories and was very productive around the house…that is after I had my meltdown. But as I tell my clients….we will all have setbacks, it is how you choose to respond to them that matters most.