What happens when you quit your job? Well let me tell you….
Today I did something really big for me. It was difficult, but felt necessary for the moment if not permanently. I feel like I let a lot of people down and I probably did, but I needed to do it for my mental and physical health. Who knows if it will fix anything, but I had to try it out.
Three years ago-ish, I started working a second counseling job on top of my 40 hours a week job not including 2 hours of drive time. I did not need the job, but wanted to add something into my mix and get some extra cash. Steven and I did not calculate this income into our bills or place any expectations on it as it was not supposed to be permanent and fluctuated from month to month depending on how much I worked. We used the money for extra unplanned bills, stuff for our new house, and other fun stuff. The more I worked the more I became addicted to it. Again, depending on the month, I fluctuated from adding 5 hours a week to 15 at times. I spent my lunch hours working and rarely went straight home after work.
I have been toying with the idea of ceasing this second job for some time now but the thought of it is even overwhelming. Although I do not need the extra money to get the bills paid it is a nice extra cushion. And although I have been told this a number of times, you never really learn anything until you live it and experience it yourself…more money just equally more things and more bills. I am not happier, I am not relaxed and that is all I want.
I cannot say that I feel myself slipping, but I can see it in the mirror and I see it on the scale. I guess in a sense I can feeling it. I can feel it in my knees that I am scared to even run on anymore. I can feel it in my back and my shortness of breath. I eat when I am stressed out and often times after a stressful day or a stressful appointment I just say, “fuck it.” I deserve that Taco Bell.
I also feel it in my disdain for myself. I am not happy with myself. I am not being the best version of myself for me or my husband and he deserves better…and so do I.
Yesterday when I was on my way home from work I imagined just for a moment what it would be like for the responsibilities of this second job to just dissipate and I felt a calm and a high, a sense of excitement. I was almost there, I was almost at the point where I was ready. But then I thought I would sleep on it.
This morning I woke up…weighed myself after a whole day of eating healthy and had gained 2 pounds. Two pounds! I mean, I know I was not going to lose any weight after one day of eating healthy, but shit! I just felt defeated. I felt like I needed to make a drastic change in my life.
How can I keep therapizing others and claiming that self-care is important if I am running myself ragged? I mean, again, I actually have felt for the last 3 weeks that my depression has been moderate I say…its still there but I am getting by. I mark on calendar whether a cloud, a star or a star in a cloud. A star is one of those magically wonderfully happy days when it is 70 degrees with a slight breeze and the sun is shinning and you have not a care in the world. A cloud is well…a shit storm of a day where I cannot get out of bed and want to cry all day. A star in a cloud is a regular day.
I feel pretty good, but it is still there. I have been pretty steady on star cloud for at least 3 weeks. Yet, my weight keeps rising. I think I am one of those people who don’t realize anything is wrong until they wake up one day and all of their hair is gone all of the sudden and they’re like when did that happen I didn’t even notice? I mean, no one just gains 28 pounds in 3 months and everything is okay. You have to listen to your body. My fat ass is trying to tell me something! Stop calming your nerves with food! Your nerves may be calm, but your ass is growing out of control! I mean it’s like someone using meth to feel better and avoid their pain….eventually your teeth are going to fall out. If that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is!
So today, I took the plunge and I emailed and texted all of my clients and ended things. I stated that I needed to take care of personal matters unexpectedly and that is all that was needed. This was so hard for me as I genuinely care for the people that I work with and I know what it feels like to lose a therapist.
It is so hard to find someone that you can trust and feel that they understand you. I had a therapist move locations once and we could no longer work together. It was upsetting and scary having to find someone else and then trusting another person. I hate that I put my clients in that position. I hate that I abandoned them. But at the same time I was abandoning myself and not making my needs a priority. Its time that I make myself priority. 2.20.19