I have been quiet for a while. I have been wanting to clear my head and calm my emotions before I write anything as I always have.
I say I always want to, that doesn’t mean that it always goes as planned.
I am about halfway through my pregnancy and now that I’m feeling better I wanted to write a bit about it.
As with most of my blogging, my purpose in this is to reach women who have been in similar situations. To you let them know they are not alone. To let them know that it’s OK how they feel.
I know I haven’t always felt that way during my pregnancy. If I can help another woman feel not as alone my job is done.
This will be a bit longer post and than usual but I want to start from the beginning.
I have never been a kid person. I am not the person who is going to be playing with the children on the floor but rather the one sitting at the table talking with the adults. I never imagined myself having a bunch of kids and sometimes could barely imagine having one.
That is until I met Steven. I have said it before and I will say it again. If it was anyone else I don’t know that I would be as comfortable having a child as I am because of him. He makes me feel like I won’t be alone in this and I won’t be one of those parents or rather mothers who is doing it all by herself. I want a family with him.
That being said, finding out we were pregnant so quickly made me feel a variety of things.
I felt excited. I felt scared. I felt guilty.
I was only off my birth control for about 1-2 months. We found out we were pregnant at about 3-4 weeks. We were too excited and unable to keep our mouths shut that we went ahead and told all of our family.
We knew that was risky. It scared me and I think I intentionally and some unintentionally attempted to separate myself from it.
Finding out so early and telling our friends and family made it real but it also made it very possible that we would have to be telling them that we lost the baby. And so I think a part of me didn’t want to be excited. I didn’t want to be hurt. I didn’t want to grieve. I didn’t want to mourn.
I have some close friends who have been trying for years to get pregnant. I know a lot of people struggle with getting pregnant and would give their right arm. I felt terribly guilty having gotten pregnant so easily and quickly. I was scared to be excited because I didn’t want to rub it in people’s faces. I didn’t want them to hurt because of my happiness.
I was also feeling scared because of hearing so much loss. I tried to mentally prepare myself just in case. I feared that as soon as I allowed myself to accept and be excited that it would be taken from us.
We are now almost 5 months along and I can finally say that all of my fears, well I can’t say all of them but most of them have subsided. The last two weeks I have been learning more and planning and I finally feel a sense of “I can do this.“
The first trimester could’ve been worse. But it wasn’t a good time. For the first time in probably 15 years I stopped going to the tanning bed. I know this probably sounds ridiculous to most but to somebody who has never been happy with her body and has a tendency to inspect and critique every spot of discoloration in their complexion this was very hard for me and still is. Yes yes I have tried spray tanning and it feels disgusting on me after a while.
AnyWho, weight gain on top of the 40 pounds I already gained last year, being pale, new acne, constant nausea without the ability to throw up, gagging and peeing my pants every morning was my life. Oh did I mention the hormones? I also went off of my antidepressants a few months before the birth control. I had been feeling pretty good for sometime. But all of these changes in my body just seemed to be too much for me.
I wasn’t feeling supported. I was feeling like a burden to everyone. I was facing the fact that my life was going to be completely different. I felt alone. I felt judged. I felt confused. I felt like people kept asking me how I was and what I wanted and then judging me for my answers. I felt I could do no right. For about a month straight towards the end of my first trimester and beginning of my second trimester I was crying every other day. I had lost all interest in doing anything. I didn’t even want to have a gender reveal. I could not fathom the thought of throwing a party. The thought of it just seemed overwhelming. But at the same time I didn’t want to regret not doing it later. I could not make up my mind.
After a few emotional meltdowns I finally went to the doctor and got put on Zoloft for my depression and went to speak to a therapist. But honestly what I feel like helped me the most was speaking to a close friend who is also pregnant and reading articles about prenatal depression. I felt understood. I did not feel judged. I did not feel alone. And most of all I felt that it was OK to not enjoy my pregnancy.
I hear a lot of women say that they feel horribly guilty for saying that they don’t enjoy pregnancy. They don’t feel like they are allowed to say such things because of the wonderful miracles that come in the end and because of other women‘s unfortunate circumstances and difficulties conceiving.
We all have different experiences.
Some may be worse than others but that doesn’t make their experience any less than.
But honestly, I could not imagine someone enjoying their pregnancy when they’re throwing up every morning and peeing their pants constantly. That does not mean that they are not looking forward to the outcome. That does not mean they are ungrateful. It is not a personal attack on women who cannot conceive. It simply is just that. I do not enjoy throwing up in the morning. I do not enjoy peeing my pants and I do not enjoy crying every day.
Lucky I have been feeling much better whether it being the 2nd trimester, allowing myself the vulnerability to be excited, the meds, or the support from others.
My advice: seek out other pregnant women for support. Ask for what you need from others. Don’t be scared to say how you feel. Don’t let others opinions and judgement drag you down. Take care of yourself. ❤️
A big thank you to my friends and family for their patience and support through this difficult yet beautiful experience ?❤️