I have a bad habit that I’m trying to work on. It’s detrimental to my marriage and not fair to my husband.
Oh you thought it was the wine? No no you can never have too much wine!
Here it is…
I talk to my mother about our problems.
I know that sounds a bit silly at first glance but I’m breaking a cardinal rules of marriage 101.
You don’t talk to your family about your spouse in a negative way!
But why you may ask? They may have such good insight into our problems and be able to help. I know that’s what I have told myself in the past. Most of the time my first question to my mother is, “am I being crazy?” Because I know myself well enough that I may be overreacting. And more times than not she usually takes his side.
However helpful this advice from family may seem in the moment it slowly can chip away at the relationship between your spouse and your family. As a partner we forgive and move on. It’s not quite that easy for our family. Especially since as a species we tend to focus on the negative and don’t tend to go bragging when our spouse is on their A game.
This is such a hard habit for me to break because my mom and I have always had more of a friendship than a parent/child relationship. That has gotten us into trouble on occasion. She has always talked to me about her and my father’s difficulties. Not to say that’s healthy because it also puts me in a difficult position between supporting my mother and bashing my father.
So who do You turn to? Your girlfriends? I don’t personally like that either. I don’t want to be one of those wives who sits around bitching about her husband. It’s also hard for your friends to continue to hang out as couples if they know of negative behaviors that hurt their friend.
I know that’s something I personally struggle with. I have had friends who have been in tumultuous relationships and all you can do is support them and they’ll leave when they’re ready. Or maybe they never do. I have lost friendships over this because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
So what are you to do? What am I to do? Well I have a therapist believe it or not. There is no danger in venting to her. I do think the occasional gripe fest with your girlfriends is okay as long as it’s balanced. Make sure you include just as much positives or discuss how you worked through it. Don’t just call them in an emotional tirade and expect them to let it all go when you have.