Is Stalking Healthy?

You hear a ping while he’s in the shower and that urge creeps up. To look or not to look? Do I need to look? Should I look? What will I find it I look? What if I find something? What if I find nothing and then I’m an asshole? Will it will make me feel better? It will just confirm that there’s nothing going on. I am sure he looks at my phone. I have nothing to hide. I’m sure he has nothing to hide.

Then there it is again…PING! Increased heart rate. Lump in the throat.

Oh my God he is still in the shower, should I look? Will there be another chance? Wait… he’s coming, I lost my chance. Turn the phone over, make sure the lights off. Make sure you put it back exactly where it was. Make sure you get back into a relaxed position. Make sure you are calm, your breathing is slowed, you are chill. You are not worried.

Right?

Is this you? Nooooo never! Sure. We have all been there. Questioning our relationship. Questioning our partner. Stalking their friends on facebook, the girls of course. Looking through their contacts list and comparing them with their profile pics. Searching through their oldest pictures for cropped out bitches, bitches who “liked” the photo, commented on the photo. Trying to login to their iCloud and finding deleted message, their email, finding employers of old girlfriends and scheduling appointments incognito, making a fake profile and befriending potential suspects, downloading a secret app that sends all of their messages to your phone but make sure you hide it so they don’t know it’s there, downloading an app that gives you a secret phone number and texting him the night after he is out with his friends, “hey sexy had fun last night” and see how he responds, buying a tape recorder that sends recordings to your cell phone and hide it in his car…..OMG…Have I gone too far?????

Girl… what are you looking for? Are you trying to make yourself go insane? If you look for something you WILL find it whether it is there or not!

What ever do you mean, you ask?

You can and WILL interpret the things you see, read, or hear in a suspicious and inappropriate manner. It is called Confirmation Bias. You have an idea….and you go looking for it….so you interpret it how you need to CONFIRM your beliefs. You are biased to the information compared to if someone else was viewing the information from an outside and unbiased and un-invested party.

This is not to say that your partner is not cheating if you think they are…they very well could be. I don’t know, I can’t tell you that, not a psychic. And I hope and pray for you that they are not because this is the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed by the one you share your everything with. However….if they are NOT cheating…you may be and probably are damaging your relationship with your distrustful behaviors. You very well may be leading them to cheating by the way you are acting! That doesn’t mean that their behaviors are not their fault…they are ultimately the ones choosing their chooses.

But once you start….you cant stop. You get deeper and deeper into the muck you are searching through. You start getting tunnel vision. You start questioning everything, looking at them with a suspicious eye, becoming insecure and feeling like you are not enough. You can and will go MAD!

The best and most difficult advice I can give is to LET IT GO! So hard I know. You’re thinking… “bitch you are crazy!” Like that is possible? I know something is going on and I’m going to find out! I am going to give him a piece of my mind! I am going to show him! He is going to regret this!

But what if there actually is not anything going on? You are distressing yourself for zero reason while damaging your relationship.

If he is cheating, it will eventually come out. If it doesn’t come out…well sometimes naivety is best. Hopefully they made the decision to stop themselves and not simply because they got caught from you stalking them.

And then you do catch them…and then you go through a mess of a divorce or stay together and you question yourself how did this happen? Where did my family go? What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Could I have prevented this?

Maybe…maybe not. Some people are just compulsive whores and it doesn’t matter how great of a wife/spouse you are they are going to cheat. But I highly doubt that they felt loved and felt needed if they cheated.

  • You are not going to stop what may already be happening!
  • You cannot control other people’s behaviors!
  • You are damaging your relationship!

What Can You Invest Your Energy In Rather Than Stalking?

Your relationship!

What is missing in your relationship? Something is obviously missing if you are feeling the need to stalk, investigate, and interrogate. Invest your energy into making your relationship better! Research shows that men typically stray because they do not feel appreciated. They are seeking a need. Interesting read from Ish Major a writer and psychiatrist (see below) says men typically “cheat down” as women typically “cheat across” or up. This means men usually cheat with a woman less attractive than their partner to meet their in the moment need rather than with intent to commit long term. When their need is met they return home. On the other hand women are looking for something better.

So instead of asking your man who he’s calling or texting…ask him if he feels loved, wanted, appreciated.

Do you tell him how sexy he is like you used to? Do you tell him how proud of him you are for all of the work he does around the house and providing for the family?

No no, I’m not saying this is all your fault because what should happen in La La Land is your husband uses his words instead of his penis and says, “Honey, I don’t feel loved. Honey, I feel like there’s something missing. Honey, I don’t feel like you look at me the way you used to.”

Somehow I have hit the magical jackpot and my wonderful…I think he’s a robot or maybe he is just married to a therapist I’m not sure…husband does do this and I try then to do things to meet his love language and try and remind myself how enamored by him I was the day I met him.

But realistically…I am sure most people’s husbands do not communicate this well. Help him out and make it okay for him to ask for what he needs from you. And a new piece of lingerie will go a long way. You can get some black lace strings on Groupon for like 10 bucks. Men are visual creatures give him something new to look at!

References:

ISH, M. (2011). Why Do They Cheat and Lie? USA Today Magazine139(2788), 60–62. Retrieved from https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=57639470&site=ehost-live

Whisman, M. A. (2016). Discovery of a Partner Affair and Major Depressive Episode in a Probability Sample of Married or Cohabiting Adults. Family Process55(4), 713–723. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12185

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Kelsey Castleberry
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I completely agree, there is something missing in the relationship if either party feels the need to stalk the other. I was in a relationship for a long time where I felt the need to do that and it was a very unhealthy relationship. Now I’m in a healthy relationship and I have never felt the need to look at their phone. There is a big difference and if you are feeling the need to snoop then it might be time to reassess the entire relationship. Great post!